so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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