he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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