Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
handjob tips. give me some.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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