i was born a porn star she said
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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