I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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