My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
