Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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