Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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