Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
