Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
