Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
