Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
