Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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