Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
this boner is exhausting
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Are my feet made of real feet?
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You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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