best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
