My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
