mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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