; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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