and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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