Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
