Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
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Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
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He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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