you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
