God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
