Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
