Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
