Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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