i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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