why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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