please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
