Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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