i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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