so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
