But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
