just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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