I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
