You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
