woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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