sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
