I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
My pussy is not your playground.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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