At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
