I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
