Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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