Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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