checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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