Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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