I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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