More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
