I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
