my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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