Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My balls are so social today.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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