the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
