dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
