i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
