I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
