Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
