One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
