I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
