Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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